by Milonare
3
i) Date: 29th of [month] - except for February in non-leap years (use 28th then)
(ii) Movement towards ATM, ATM screen response, Thought to self,
Reaction to growing queue, Output from ATM, Movement away from ATM, Queue reaction, all:
(ii) Movement towards ATM: Either a combination of:
• 1 (ii),(iii) AND 2 (iv) to (ix) above; OR
• 2 (ii),(iii) AND 1 (iv) to (ix) above
Depending on whether:
• Expectation is that salary cheque has not gone through when it actually has; OR
• Expectation is that salary cheque has gone through when it actually hasn’t.
Copyright 2006; Milonare/Nairobians.com 2006
Milonare is one of our columnists
'Milonare' is derived from the words 'me I love Nairobi regardless'
Take time to observe people's behaviour at an ATM.
Alternatively, think about your own experiences at an ATM.
Some of you, as I do, will be able to relate to the stuff below.
Enjoy:
(i) Date: 24th of [month] - Fill in as appropriate
(ii) Movement towards ATM: Lightning pace (on ascertaining no visible signs of other parties at, close to or approaching ATM)
(iii) Positioning: Millimetres, if not less, between self and ATM. Noticeable effort to shield ATM screen with curtain-like effectiveness. Nervous, furtive glances to the left and right.
(iv) ATM screen response: Single menu option; "Balance enquiry"
(v) Thought to self: "If only ATMs issued coins..."
(vi) Reaction to growing queue: Perspiration building on forehead. Armpits getting damp fast! "Where are all these guys on the queue coming from?" Begin to feel as exposed as a solitary gazelle in a den of lions.
(vii) Output from ATM: ATM card and some piece of paper(definitely not from De La Rue)
(viii) Movement away from ATM: Deflated and rushed. Some muttering under one's breath of "Machine not working!" with a supposed look of disgust at the inefficiencies of these “funny” machines.
(ix) Queue reaction: "Yeah right!" (Not audible but apparent from their knowing, condescending looks. One look of empathy from a queue member that beats a hasty retreat to his car on frantically searching his pockets for his card and regrettably not finding it - we all saw him with it a moment ago...)
(vi) Reaction to growing queue: "Come one, come all! Don’t be afraid, don’t be shy!!!"
(vii) Output from ATM: ATM card, De La Rue paper and some piece of paper that is "accidentally" dropped in the event that a younger, more impressionable member of the fairer species is around.
(viii) Movement away from ATM: Reminiscent of chameleon motion on a tree. A loud "Yes, it's working" reply to queue member (same one from 1 (ix) above) frantically searching pockets for card. Give him a knowing look as, in a sudden bout of courtesy, he begins to give those in the queue behind him way.
(ix) Queue reaction: "Pompous show-off!" (Visible but not audible) to which you react "Get lost, all you peewee wannabes" (similarly visible but inaudible) as you leave in a huff.
(i) Date: 3rd of [month]
(ii) Movement towards ATM: Slow, unrushed, confident...
(iii) Positioning: Minimum of an arm's length between self and ATM. Back straight, legs apart – tempted to place both hands akimbo but you need them to work the machine. Continual efforts to get sunshine on ATM screen as though screen is photosynthetic and/or starved of light. Additional slow, swaying surveys of horizon both to the left and right.
(iv) ATM screen response: Plethora of menu options like a busy PowerPoint slide; Index finger begins moving indecisively between options, mimicking one conducting a choir
(v) Thought to self: "Look at me guys, look at me – Dontcha wish your balance was hot like mine x2, Dontcha x2".